


do you believe in time travel?

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 16:59:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1083445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“But there could be. Like the string theory and quantum physics and all that stuff and how like everything is changed by everything that we do, one simple action can cause a reaction. Like there are these waves right? And they’re moving but some of them move in different directions right meaning there’s more than one outcome. Like maybe we don’t even exist right now you know or maybe this isn’t our fate… maybe we could change it somehow go back into the future, change what we did. Change how we feel. Do you believe in time travel?” </p><p>~~</p><p>Where Harry wakes up as a well known actor engaged to Niall Horan when in reality he's a dirty skateboarder and Niall... well Niall's just a little cracked at the edges and Harry might be a bit in love with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	do you believe in time travel?

**Author's Note:**

> man there have been so many thoughts in my head lately it's unreal.

It smells like peaches instead of cigarettes.

That’s the first thing he notices. There is light streaming through venetian blinds that he knows he doesn’t have, that is the second thing. He flexes his fingers against the sheets but they slip out of his hand, they are soft… way too soft. They aren’t his and they don’t smell like they’re supposed to and he’s scared to open his eyes. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, he’s wondering if he’s been kidnapped but he’s sure the back of a kidnappers van doesn’t smell like peaches and they don’t have silk sheets but what does he know?

When he opens his eyes he gasps softly like he’s just resurfaced from being underwater too long… like the shock is too crippling for him to comprehend so he doesn’t want to make a sound. He wonders if he is dead and he wonders if he is in purgatory because this isn’t heaven (he’s too horrible for heaven, his insides are rotten and his bones are filled with sin) and it isn’t hell (he’s imagined it differently… he imagined heat and fear and lots and lots of regret). The room isn’t his, the sheets aren’t his, the scent isn’t his, and he’s having a hard time believing that the body that he’s in is his either. He keeps breathing, tries to sort out what’s going on when something from his peripheral catches his eye.

His heart stutters and his breath halts.

There’s a person lying on the bed next to him. His back is too Harry and he has freckles dotting his pale skin and his hair is blonde… everything about him is familiar. Harry’s scared though, he doesn’t know what to do and he doesn’t want to scream. He’s trying to figure out what he did last night he’s trying to figure out if he did finally kill himself… but that’s something you remember right? Or maybe dead people don’t have memories anymore, maybe once they cross that threshold they don’t do things people who are existing do. But what does existing have to do with breathing? Harry’s head hurts and everything confuses him and the light is so bright… and he doesn’t own venetian blinds!

The room he’s in is large and the walls are a pale peach color and there’s a dream catcher on one of the walls and there’s a guitar propped on the wall. There are two doors and Harry doesn’t know where either leads, there’s a large TV propped on the wall and there’s a drawer. Harry’s trying not to panic and he’s trying to get all his thoughts together when the boy turns around slowly and surely until he’s looking at the side of Harry’s face. Harry doesn’t dare turn to look at him.

“Good morning, babe.” The boy says.

~

Harry always wished that he woke up a different person, that everything was perfect. He wonders who was listening.

~

Harry pushes himself off of the bed and he tumbles off of it, his head hitting the floor with a crack and he knows that if he isn’t dead he sure is now. It hurts and the boy on the bed gasps and his face comes into view from his spot on the bed. Harry is naked and Niall Horan is staring down at him with non-red rimmed blue eyes and looking worried with his lips forming a perfect ‘o’.

“Are you alright?” He gasps out and Harry doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t think he can move his lips; he’s in shock from waking up like this… from waking up like someone else even if this is his body even if it is his hands but this isn’t him. Large rooms and beautiful boys are not what Harry Styles has! Harry Styles has fighting parents and a pregnant sister who he can’t have a real conversation with anymore and bad ideas and bitten down fingers and his skateboard and his greasy hair… and his thoughts. His horrible tainted thoughts and that’s it. There is not more to him than that… so he’s confused and he’s scared. Excuse him.

“Harry.” Niall says again and he gets off the bed slowly with the impossibly soft sheets wrapped around his body. He kneels down hesitantly besides Harry. “How does your head feel?” He reaches over to touch Harry’s forehead and Harry moves his forehead away (even if he used to dream of Niall touching him when he was actually him, when breathing the same air as Niall was enough but he doesn’t like this Niall… this isn’t the Niall he knows).

“Don’t touch me, please.” Harry says through gritted teeth. He wonders if that is one of those things he’ll regret later on, he wonders if he’ll wake up tomorrow back in his bed and crying because he didn’t let Niall touch him. Niall lets his hand hover there and then he clenches it into a fist and he rests it on his sheet covered thighs, he looks hurt and impossibly small. But he also looks healthy; something Harry hasn’t seen Niall look in a long time. _Super rich kids with nothing but loose ends,_ runs through Harry’s mind reminding him of Niall’s Frank Ocean phase… reminding him of Niall.

“You want me to call a doctor?” Niall asks and Harry wants to laugh. He’s gotten worse head injuries from skateboarding so he shakes his head no and he sits up slowly. He touches the back of his head and he sighs out loud when there’s no blood just a throbbing that he knows will last him the day. He stares at Niall and he wants to wrap himself up… he feels vulnerable like this… naked, literally. He doesn’t know what to do with Niall just looking at him he doesn’t know what to do with this day and everything happening not that he understands any of it mind you.

“What’s going on?” He asks. It’s a whisper he realizes when it leaves his mouth, like he’s sure someone will hear them. He wonders if there are other people in this place they’re in. He feels insides dropping with the thought of not knowing anything, of not knowing who he is or what he’s doing or where he’s even at. He doesn’t even know the date or what time it is or if this is real life and it’s scary and it makes the hairs on the back of his neck bristle and it makes him shiver.

“What?” Niall asks him confused. He blinks his large blue eyes and Harry’s heart stutters just like his words. He’s never been this close to Niall… well maybe when they were older and they lied under bed sheets together and talked about all the things they wanted to do. Maybe when they were freshman in high school and they thought everything was going to be okay and they had a little faith in humanity and themselves and each other. Maybe before everything went to shit the summer before sophomore year, before they stopped talking all together. Before it hurt.

“What are we doing?” Harry asks again and Niall laughs breathless (why is he laughing like that? Why is he laughing at all? Why is he so calm? Why isn’t he stoned out of his mind?).

“It’s vacation time. You’re missing filming already?” Niall asks grinning all white teeth and undercover dimple and Harry’s heart stutters and he shakes his head slowly. What the hell is Niall talking about? Why does he look so pretty first thing in the morning? Why isn’t he running for the hills, why is he okay with waking up like this?

“Niall, what are you even talking about?” Harry says and Niall shakes his head.

“How much did you have to drink last night?”

“I didn’t drink last night.” He’s telling the truth. He skated around for a long time and he smoked a cigarette until it burnt out and burned his fingers and he skated home. His mom was drinking red wine in her pretty cocktail dress and she didn’t notice the time he came home. His sister was crying in her room and his dad was nowhere to be found so he just collapsed into his bed and he closed his eyes and he went to sleep. And then he woke up… and he doesn’t know what’s going on.

“You’re being weird. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Niall says getting to his feet and putting his hands out for Harry. Harry takes it just because maybe he needs to get a little cleaned up before he can tackle the issue of why in the world this is happening to him.

~

Their moms met before they did, Niall’s mom five months pregnant and glowing and Harry’s mom fresh into her pregnancy. The clinic was packed and they sat next to each other and they both talked about how it was their second pregnancy how they couldn’t wait. And while Niall’s mom learned the sex Harry’s mom got an ultrasound picture and they exchanged numbers. And it was serendipity maybe when Harry’s mom called Niall’s and invited her over for some tea. It was serendipity maybe when Niall’s mom explained how she loved the house next door and a for sale sign went up a month later.

~

Harry’s showering, washing his hair and trying not to be too disturbed with the size of the bathroom when Niall clambers into the shower with him. He can’t help but scream when he feels someone’s hands in his hair and Niall screams too obviously shocked and Harry gets shampoo in his eye and it’s all confusing really.

“Why did you scream?” Niall asks when the initial shock has blown over and Niall’s standing behind the shower curtains. Harry’s hands are trembling and he’s twitching and trying to calm himself down.

“Why did you get in the shower with me?” Harry asks him back voice trembling and words sounding strained. He feels like there’s a zipper somewhere on his skin and this is just a suit and he can just unzip it and crawl back into his world. His world that actually makes sense!

“Uhm… we always take a shower together.” Niall says and Harry blinks and he laughs because if he doesn’t he’ll go insane (even though he’s sure he already has). Niall sounds completely serious, doesn’t sound like he’s just saying these things to be a fucker.

“In what world?” Harry says and then he wants to laugh or cry. Niall scoffs,

“In this one. For fucks sakes, Haz what’s wrong with you?” Niall sounds how Harry feels frustrated and annoyed and confused. But he doesn’t know why Niall gets to blow up on him and he can’t blow up on Niall? Yesterday Harry was just some kid in a regular sized house in regular old London on his regular skateboard with his regular horrible life! Now this morning he wakes up in a room the size of his kitchen and his living area mixed together, Niall Horan who he hasn’t been friends with him since sophomore year, and Niall climbing into showers with him! He’s scared and he’s freaking out and he wishes he was dead but he doesn’t feel dead, he actually feels more alive and hyper alert than he’s felt in all eighteen years of his life!

“I don’t know what’s going on.” He finally says feeling like a child.

“Babe, what’s wrong with you? What’s going on? Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

“I think there’s something you aren’t telling me.” Harry says back. The whole thing is ridiculous Harry standing in a large shower that he wouldn’t have been able to afford half of yesterday and Niall standing in his supposed bathroom which costs more than he makes at the supermarket. It’s all so fucked up.

“What?”

“What year is it?” Harry asks.

“What does that have-,”

“What year is it?” Harry says again cutting him off.

“Twenty fourteen.” Niall replies.

“Month?”

“May.”

“How old am I?”

“Twenty.”

“You?”

“Twenty.” Harry’s silent as he processes this information. He isn’t eighteen; it isn’t twenty twelve in the middle of October.

“Niall?”

“Yes?”

“Are we dating?”

“Engaged actually.” Oh. Harry looks down at his finger but he doesn’t spot a ring. “You proposed to me.” Niall says and suddenly his hand is poking into the shower and Harry sees the band on his finger. Harry thinks he might scream. So not only is he in the future he’s engaged to Niall Horan and he’s grown the balls to propose? This isn’t his life he knows it isn’t, he’s living in someone else’s world or maybe the universe is sick and twisted… or maybe he is dead. Maybe he’s created his own heaven… maybe god decided to spare him and gave him this instead of an inferno.

“Okay, thanks. Can you pass me my towel?”

“Okay.” Niall says and he hands him his towel. Harry doesn’t look Niall in the eye when he steps out and rushes to the bedroom.

~

When Harry was six years old his whole family and Niall’s family went to Six Flags. Harry remembers his dad holding his hand and then he remembers seeing a clown and getting distracted. He remembers losing his parents and his Niall and being scared and not being able to see anyone’s faces from the endless amount of legs around him. He remembers crying and how a nice woman with a family of her own had brought him to security and he remembers his mom coming to get him with tears in her eyes her whole body shaking with tears.

He thought that was the most scared and lost him had ever been in his life. He lied.

~

When Harry finally makes his way downstairs he’s seen enough. There are four bedrooms on the top floor, four bathrooms, and a fucking movie theatre for no reason. The walls are decorated with numerous pictures of him and his family and they all look delightfully happy (which is odd because he doesn’t even remember a time where they’ve all sat down together and had dinner like a family) and him and Niall. He and Niall are everywhere and there are so much pointless pictures like of Niall just sitting down smiling that Harry assumes this version of himself caught and there are some where he looks sleep ridden and tired and he’s smiling fondly at someone behind the camera which must be Niall.

The dining room has expensive looking chairs and tables on it and there’s a chandelier hanging from the ceiling and Harry’s never had a chandelier especially one with diamonds in it, the kitchen looks way too expensive for Harry to even touch and he doesn’t touch. He doesn’t touch anything just moves through the place like a ghost feeling a sense of jealousy run through him and he doesn’t even know why. This is supposedly his life now and he doesn’t know what to make of it… he wonders what yesterday Harry is doing. The whole situation puts a whole new meaning to waking up a different person.

The living room is absolutely outrageous with its large screen TV and the blue ray and the DVR and the XBOX and Harry never thought himself so gaudy and outlandish.

“Hey.” Niall says from behind him and he startles and turns. Niall’s in a large UCLA sweater and sweat pants and he’s smiling shyly at Harry. Harry can’t help to quirk his lips up also because even if Niall isn’t his in the real world he’s still beautiful. He wishes he could call this a dream but it’s not… his dreams are never like this. His dreams are always filled with static like something isn’t right like someone tuned into the wrong channel on their television but this feels clear as day. Harry’s scared. Harry is never scared in his dreams.

“Hi.” Harry says back.

“What’re you doing?” Niall asks him.

“Just observing.” Harry replies. He knows they’re both confused but Niall probably has a whole train of thought entirely he’s probably wondering why his fiancé is acting so weird while Harry is wondering why Niall is his fiancé in itself.

“I was going to cook us some breakfast. Would you like that?” Niall asks tentatively. Harry shrugs because he’s not quite sure how to react to Niall. Yesterday Niall used to cook for him too back when they were fifteen year olds and he’d sleep over and he’d make muffins or just sometimes he’d make eggs because he liked doing that because his mom always taught him before she got really sick. It makes Harry sad; it makes everything from his insides to the marrow in his bones ache.

“Okay. Need any help?”

“No not really.” Niall’s looking at him oddly. Harry nods dumbly and Niall steps closer to him and rests a hand on his cheek and says, “You’re very tense this morning, love.”

“Can’t help it.” Harry says. What he really wants to say is: _“I don’t understand why I even woke up like this this morning; I don’t understand why we’re engaged and why you’re looking at me like I’m sure I look at you. I don’t know if I’m alive or if I’m dead or if this is just some kind of halfway thing and I don’t know if this is the future I’ll have or if this is some alternate universe and why aren’t you high out of your mind and crying about how much you miss your mom and why am I not sitting in my bathroom with some pills in my hand wondering if I should postpone my death date. Why are we all so broken? Why did I wake up this morning?”_

“Can I kiss you?” Niall asks him and then he laughs and he shakes his head. “You’re my fiancé why am I asking?” But he doesn’t make a move, he looks spooked. Harry shakes his head.

“Not now.” Because he doesn’t want Niall to kiss him under unknown circumstances he doesn’t like the thought of Niall kissing someone who’s not feeling it… Niall deserves more than that and Harry isn’t that right now.

“Okay.” Niall says hurt marked all over his face and then he whips around and he makes a beeline for the kitchen and Harry’s still standing there his cheeks burning from where Niall had touched him.

~

“Ever kissed anyone, Harry?” Niall asked him the summer when they’re both thirteen. They’re sitting in Niall’s room and the window was open and if Harry turned his head he could see his room. The sun was harsh that summer, not letting up once and Niall had to wear sunscreen regularly because he burned too easily unlike Harry who could spend his whole day at the beach sunscreen less and end up looking brown and crisp.

“Not really.” Harry said because he hadn’t. He remembered Seven Minutes of Heaven during the spring time at Annie Mark’s birthday party where the birthday girl was supposed to kiss him in a closet but she had just giggled and said he didn’t have to but he could pretend they did. He didn’t mind saying he kissed Annie Mark she was one of the prettiest girls in their grade and she smelled like cherries all the time. He remembered how when Kyle Jacobs had opened the closet door Annie had made herself blush and giggled at Harry and told her friends all the details of the kiss that never happened.

“Do you want to?” Niall had asked him blushing but not wavering in his statement. Harry had shrugged even if he was a little scared wondering what Harry meant. “Would you like to kiss me?” He had asked and Harry had swallowed and he had wanted to, he had always wanted to kiss Niall.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Harry had replied and Niall had swallowed and brought a hand up to Harry’s cheek both of them blushing and his eyes had fluttered close and he reached in and their lips touched softly. It only lasted for a mere five seconds before Niall was pulling away and Harry was blinking wondering if it had really happened.

“Want to play Uno?” Niall had asked after that as if the kiss hadn’t just happened seconds earlier.

“Okay.” Harry said playing along. And they had played Uno on Niall’s Batman bed sheets and then they watched a SpongeBob marathon and neither talked about what had happened.

~

Niall’s cooking skills apparently never let up no matter the universe or the date. Harry couldn’t help devouring the bacon and the eggs, not realizing how hungry he truly was until the food was in front of him and Niall was smiling bashfully at him from across the table.

“What did you want to do today?” Niall asks him.

“Skateboard probably.” Harry says without thinking and Niall quirks an eyebrow.

“Really?”

“Uh sure.” Harry says and Niall furrows an eyebrow.

“I would’ve imagined you wanted to stay in.”

“Why?” Harry asks.

“You hate paparazzi. We always spend the day at your place on your breaks.” Niall says matter of factly like it’s completely idiotic of Harry to even ask that question. Harry shakes his head trying to process the word ‘paparazzi’.

“What do you mean paparazzi?”

“What do you mean what do I mean paparazzi?” Niall asks him pressing a finger to his temple.

“Why in the world would paparazzi watch me skateboard?”

“Because you’re you! Harry, I don’t know what kind of game you’re even playing today but I don’t like it.” Harry splutters at Niall’s sudden anger. Harry doesn’t say anything and Niall shakes his head. “Harry, you’re going to be filming a movie in two weeks in Italy. We won’t be seeing each other for two months… excuse me for wanting to spend time with my fiancé without being bombarded by cameras.”

“Oh god.” Harry breathes and Niall shakes his head. “Excuse me for one second.” Harry says and pushes himself out of the chair so hard that the chair falls back. He rushes up the stairs leaving a confused Niall in his wake. He picks up the phone that’s been sitting on his bedside table and he opens it but there’s a passcode lock. He thinks about what this universe him would think to put his password as and he slowly types in Niall’s birthday and he breathes out when it unlocks.

With hands shaking, leg vibrating, and heart beating he searches himself. Millions of hits, tons of articles, and a wiki page. All yesterday Harry would’ve had would’ve been a Facebook page he hadn’t used ever since two thousand and eleven. He presses on the wiki page and… wow, this universe Harry is way cooler and better than other universe Harry is. He’s an actor… a fucking actor who’s won Grammys upon Grammys and who’s been famous since he was a child meaning this isn’t yesterday Harry’s future. Harry drops the phone and he presses his fingers to his temple just like Niall had done.

He stands back up and he starts pacing the room. He doesn’t know what’s going on and he doesn’t know how this has happened to him and he doesn’t… he doesn’t know how to go downstairs to Niall. Beautiful gorgeous Niall who makes everything better and just lie. He’s in love with a broken boy who’s probably forgotten how it feels to kiss someone sober or how it feels to have someone sober, not this Niall who he’s engaged to and who he lives with. He doesn’t know a thing about this Niall; he doesn’t know a thing about himself! He wants to scream.

He presses his palm to his eye and then he pushes himself back out of the room. When he gets downstairs Niall is washing the dishes and sniffling. Harry reminds himself that he’s engaged and he isn’t supposed to be freaking out and here he is the boy that he loves and he should be feeling something more than fear and anxiety but he can’t help it. Harry walks over to Niall slowly and he brings his hand around Niall’s small waist and he thinks about how long he’s been wanting to do that and he kisses Niall’s shoulder and he thinks about how much he’s dreamed of this. He ignores the voice inside of his head screaming: _this is wrong!_

“Hi, love.” He says.

“I don’t know what’s happening. Are you okay?”

“Yeah yeah I’m fine.” Harry lies easily, rubs Niall’s waist like he’s thought of. “I’ve just been thinking of the wedding.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. But uhm I just want to spend time with you today, fuck skateboarding.”

“You don’t even skateboard.” Niall chuckles and then he’s turning around. He gets on his tiptoes and he kisses Harry hard and unabashed and Harry does what he’s supposed to do. He kisses him back, sinks into him and thinks about Niall with his shaky hands and his tears and how Harry had talked to him one night. Not much of a conversation but they had still talked anyway and Harry had wanted to press him to the grass and just… kiss him forever.

~

“Niall, what are you doing?” Harry hissed at Niall. Niall stumbled and then he stood up to his full height, he squinted like he was reading something far away probably because the light on Harry’s front porch was too bright. He ran a hand through his hair then he shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

“You’ve been sitting on my front porch for like fifteen minutes.” Harry had seen him stumble out of a car and instead of going to his own house he had traipsed through Harry’s mom’s rose garden and then sat on Harry’s welcome mat. Harry wondered if Niall missed him, Harry hoped he did and he hoped it hurt even if it was cruel. Because he missed Niall a whole lot and it wasn’t fair for Niall to drop him when he knew he needed him the most, it wasn’t fair for Niall to pretend like his problems had justified him pushing Harry away until they didn’t speak anymore.

“Sorry.” Niall said.

“No, it’s okay.” Harry said even if it wasn’t. Even if he wasn’t allowed.

“Cool. What’ve you been up to, man?” His words were slurred and he wasn’t steady on his feet. He reeked of marijuana and the whites of his eyes were bloodshot.

“Nothing much. Skateboarding.” Harry said swallowing. He wondered if he was supposed to invite Niall inside… but he didn’t want to. Nothing was right inside and he didn’t want Niall to see his family… to see him like this.

“Missed seeing you around, man.” Niall said looking at him like he meant it. He licked his lips and Harry noted that they were red like he had been drinking some of Harry’s mom’s red wine or like he’d been kissed a lot. Harry hoped it wasn’t the latter.

“Did you?” Harry asked sardonically.

“Yeah. I was cleaning my room the other day and I found your sweater, remember it? I think you gave it to me when we were like fourteen,” Niall laughed as if he remembered fourteen and how happy they were back then, so naïve and stupid. “And like I think it was raining and we were walking from the bus stop and you gave it to me and I remember laughing at how wet you got even when I got wet too. You came down with a cold remember?” Niall laughed again and Harry blinked back tears. “And then everybody thought you got the swine flu! And I kept telling them that no you didn’t get the swine flu like you were just an idiot trying to be fucking chivalrous and what not.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Harry asked him and Niall shrugged.

“Just wanted you to hear it.”

“You’re out of your mind right now.” Harry told him.

“Maybe.” And then Niall stepped off his porch and he walked backwards to his house still looking at Harry like there was more he wanted to say but he didn’t say them. And when Harry closed the door and turned around he didn’t cry or anything but the words kept echoing in his mind and he wondered how Niall even remembered that. Harry hoped it hurt Niall as much as it hurt him… Harry hoped it hurt a lot.

~

They spend the day kissing and Niall gives him a blowjob and Harry lies down on the bed afterwards feeling like he’s violated some kind of unspoken rule. Niall drifts off to sleep and Harry stares at the ceiling and he wonders what’s going on back in October 27th, 2012. He wonders if he’s woken up and he wonders if his mom has even checked on him. He wonders how many alternate universes there even are, he wonders if somewhere there’s a him who’s actually killing himself.

He wonders if he’s trapped in this place. He thinks maybe he should be happy that he’s somewhere else but being in another universe doesn’t mean he still doesn’t want to throw himself in front of a bus or skate through traffic. He wonders if this is supposed to teach him a lesson… he thinks he’s gone crazy. He thinks he’s quite possibly gone mad.

~

It’s the same when he wakes up. And he kisses Niall with morning breath and he smells like peaches and he tries to let himself believe in a world in which he and Niall are married and they have silk bed sheets and they own venetian blinds and he can’t imagine it being that easy. He brushes his teeth and he stares at himself in the mirror but Niall doesn’t let him linger, tells him he wants to give him a blowjob in the shower. They actually do go out that day both of them in large sunglasses and Niall drives because Harry doesn’t know where they’re going. He stares out the window and he doesn’t recognize a thing and it makes his head hurt at the unfamiliarity of it all. He wishes he is dead.

Niall is right about paparazzi. They’re having lunch when Harry hears the flash and when he turns his head there’s a man with a camera outside of the restaurant and Harry turns back to Niall who’s just rolling his eyes.

“This happens a lot?” Harry asks and Niall nods.

“I’ve gotten used to it.” Niall says. Harry wonders if Niall is famous too but the articles never mentioned anything about the fame, it was all mostly about Harry and how he had proposed to longtime boyfriend Niall Horan. He doesn’t ask.

They make small talk, Niall tells him details about the wedding that he knows he should care about but he doesn’t. They slip off into uncomfortable silences and they order and eat and leave. They walk side by side and Harry knows he should probably hold Niall’s hand but he can’t find it in himself to do that.

“Harry, Niall are you guys fighting?” The pap suddenly appears out of nowhere startling Harry. The guy snaps a picture of Harry’s shocked face and Harry blinks away a headache. He doesn’t know how to react as the guy continues to follow them and Niall reaches over and takes his hand and Harry’s heart doesn’t stutter or anything like that, like it does when he sees his Niall.

“We’re fine.” Niall snaps.

“Harry, how do you feel about the wedding?”

“Please leave us alone.” Niall shouts when they reach their car. More pictures are taken but Niall speeds off and Harry sits there looking out the window. His bones feel heavy and he wonders why he isn’t happy in this universe, he wonders if he’s sad in all of them.

~

“Do you believe in alternate universes?” Harry blurts out before him and Niall go to bed that night. It’s not something he planned to say but things have been slipping out of him; he’s impulsive in this universe.

“What?” Niall asks looking at him with wide eyes.

“Alternate universes,” Harry pushes. “Like somewhere out there there’s another you. Somewhere out there you could be dead or like conquering the world… or a drug addict, I don’t know.” Even though he does know.

“I’ve never really thought about it.” Niall says looking confused but Harry continues. He doesn’t want to be crazy he doesn’t want to be in an unfamiliar place with a boy he’s supposed to be in love with but he isn’t. This Niall isn’t his Niall even if his Niall does unfair things, even if his Niall makes his head ache sometimes he’d rather have him over some guy who’s supposedly his fiancée. Niall’s beautiful sure; there isn’t one universe where he isn’t but… Harry doesn’t like it like this it doesn’t feel right when they kiss. It doesn’t feel right that Niall smells like peaches and not like his kiwi shampoo and his axe cologne and marijuana even if Harry doesn’t like that he smells like the last one.

“But there could be. Like the string theory and quantum physics and all that stuff and how like everything is changed by everything that we do, one simple action can cause a reaction. Like there are these waves right? And they’re moving but some of them move in different directions right meaning there’s more than one outcome. Like maybe we don’t even exist right now you know or maybe this isn’t our fate… maybe we could change it somehow go back into the future, change what we did. Change how we feel. Do you believe in time travel?”

“I wasn’t aware that I was in the movie Donnie Darko.” Niall says cracking an uncomfortable smile. Harry shakes his head.

“No, listen think about it… I think I’m in a future that isn’t mine.” Harry whispers and Niall stares at him for a second and then he erupts into a fight of laughter. He keeps laughing uproariously and he’s trying to stifle it and Harry… Harry’s having a crisis. Niall continues laughing and Harry realizes that this is where he belongs, this isn’t fucking purgatory its hell and maybe… maybe he’s being punished.

“Love, are you alright?” Niall finally asks when he stops laughing. Harry collapses onto the large bed and he stares at the ceiling and he nods.

“Yeah I’m fine.”

~

Harry sneaks out of the house that night, taps in the security code and walks out the door. The night is beautiful, the stars twinkling and the air is crisp and clean and it should make Harry happy but it makes Harry extremely nostalgic for London… for twenty twelve. He’s in the middle of San Diego, California and he doesn’t know how to go back to where it was before he woke up two days ago. He closes his eyes and he tries to think of something he did that could’ve triggered this whole thing but nothing comes to mind nothing worthy of him being in this universe with this boy he isn’t in love with, in this huge house, in this flashy car.

“I don’t want this.” He whispers to the sky but it’s not like anything happens, it’s not like he’s back in his too small bed in his too small room with his too big thoughts. It’s not like he’s back to the room where he can look out the window and see Niall pacing his room, a shaking cocaine addled mess. Harry thinks about how if he stays in this place, in May 2014 then it means he never got a chance to tell his Niall how much he means to him.

It means he doesn’t get a chance to tell Niall how much he wants to kiss him and how much he wants to listen to him talk. He wants to tell him about how sorry he is that his mom is dying even if he didn’t do anything wrong even if at the end of the day she’s still going to hurt and everything else will too. He wants to tell Niall that the only reason Harry’s still alive is because he gets to see him every day… but maybe he won’t tell him that one because Niall might get that sad look that makes him look like he’s five again.

Harry wraps his arms around himself and he lets out a strangled breath. His lungs feel punctured and he’s trying to get breath into himself as much as he can and he knows… he knows he’s having a panic attack, one he hasn’t had since he was nine years old. He hasn’t used his inhaler since he was nine but being in this faraway place away from the people that he’s so used too isn’t doing well for him and he can’t stop shaking and everything feels blurry. He cannot stay in this place! He thinks about Niall back in 2012 in his room and he thinks about himself and the little blue pills and the gun in his dad’s safe and the woods behind his house. He wants to go back! He doesn’t want to be around this Niall who feels cold and who doesn’t take him serious and who Harry doesn’t feel things for.

He’s beautiful but at the same time he isn’t, not like Harry’s craved… not like Harry wants. Harry takes another sharp breath trying to resurface trying to stop him from slipping but he can’t, it’s like he doesn’t have that power anymore like not only has he lost himself he’s lost all ability to control anything.

“Niall.” He whispers before he slips into a nothingness that isn’t as scary as the world he was in.

~

“Hey.” Harry says to Niall when he opens the door. Niall blinks at him and he isn’t high and Harry isn’t famous in the middle of San Diego. Looking at Niall feels right and not like he’s looking at a complete stranger because no matter how long they’ve been apart, no matter how long they have gone without speaking Harry still knows this boy. Harry still knows his favorite color and he knows what he wants to do when he grows up and he knows that he’s just been scared all these years and he knows all his kinks and things that upset him and the things that make him smile.  

“What are you doing here?” Niall asks and Harry wants to tell him about how he belongs here, how he belongs nowhere else. Harry wants to tell him about the alternate universe and he wants to tell him about how he woke back up in his bed breathing heavy and thoughts all over the place and how his room smelled of cigarettes not peaches and with a broken yet determined heart. It’s funny because he knows Niall will believe him, knows Niall will smile and ask him if he wants to go back.

“I had to see you.” Is all Harry says though.

“Oh… hi.” Niall shifts from one foot to another. He steps outside and closes the door behind him, leans on it and looks at Harry wide eyed and tragic like them.

“We haven’t talked in a while.” Harry says wondering if Niall remembers their talk… about how out of it Niall was. Harry thinks about how no matter how many universes he probably went to none of them would’ve made Niall look this pretty… nothing can make him look this pretty, all pale skin and clear eyes and hesitant smile. Like he isn’t sure if he’s allowed.

“I know.”

“I just wanted you to know that I miss you.”

“Yeah?” Niall asks and Harry nods.

“And uh… do you believe in time travel?” Harry asks him and Niall stares at him before he nods. “Good.”

“You?” Niall asks and Harry nods. Niall huffs and runs a hand through his hair; Harry notes that his finger nails are bitten down to the core just like his. Harry wonders how hard Niall’s life has been since his mom got diagnosed, Harry wonders why Niall didn’t let him help. “This is weird.” Niall says chuckling a bit.

“How?” Harry asks him.

“I thought we were done. Thought you hated me.” Niall says looking at him and Harry shakes his head vehemently.

“I could never hate you, Niall.”

“You should. I kind of suck.”

“You’re the best thing that’s happened to me no matter where I am.” Harry says and he means it. He wonders if pop star Harry appreciates the other Niall as much as Harry appreciates his Niall, Harry really hopes he does because no matter what Niall deserves to be appreciated all the time.

“Harry, do you not remember us being fifteen and what I did and how mean I was.”

“We all make mistakes.”

“It wasn’t fair.” Niall’s right, it wasn’t at all. Harry was left confused and without a best friend but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t miss Niall all the same. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t break Harry every time he sees Niall abusing himself like this. He thinks about how they end up together… how in the end it’s always them. He knows that at the end of the day they probably won’t have a big mansion that smells like peaches but he could wake up in a cardboard box for all he cares as long as Niall’s with him.

“I know. I just want us to try again.”

“You do?” Harry nods and Niall stares at him before nodding hesitantly before reaching over and taking Harry’s hand. He’s shaking and Harry knows they’re both scared. Harry wants to reassure Niall that they’ll be fine… but he knows that he can’t do that, that this is their universe that this is what fate has dished out for them and really in the long run who knows what will happen and who knows what’s happening?

He’s probably dying in another universe but as he leans in closer to Niall and he feels the calming static between them he’s never felt so alive. 

**Author's Note:**

> i track the tag: 'danika writes' on tumblr and this is my twitter: @WordsOn_Pages


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